Descriptive Short

((This was merely a momentum activity for myself to push myself into creativity and calm down some of my stress, so it is not excellent writing, but I decided to post it regardless)) Her crystaline blue eyes batted bashfully as his intense hazel gaze steadily studied her rosy features. A shy yet stubborn smile turned up just the outer corners of her bow-shaped lips, causing a tight lipped smile to mirror on the face of the man standing before her. His firmly gentle grasp on her waist tightened slightly as he pulled her closer. She tensed in preparation to shy away, her mischievously twinkling eyes taking on a suspicious tone. His smile warmed as he bowed his head toward her, lightly touching his lips to the tip of her nose with a delicate kiss. Helplessly, she descended into titilating giggles, leaning her face shyly to the side. He laughed at her unwittingly charming nature, gently cradling her soft, cool body to his with his hand behind her head, the slender fingers winding through her silken hair. His other hand slid around her back, drawing their torsos together. She shivered, glancing up at him with a mixed expression, and it was now his turn to hide his blush, resting his chin atop her head. ((This post is really quite too mushily, cheesily romantic for my tastes in reading. Why did I write it? Because I'm a silly, silly girl who just fell in love, of course. Quite ridiculous.))

Social Anxiety - November 2013

The only eyes that see me Are all my own, Hidden, furtive glances Meaninglessly silent. Reaching out, impossible. Standing still, I burn. Too much, too much. The sensations, frictions, Eating my skin, tearing my skull. My senses fragment, intensify, bleed I divide into pieces, I'm compressed too small. I can't hold tightly enough. I'm crashing on the waves, Lost in this sea of people, My safety rafts drift away. I'll see them, who sees me? They see me, who cares? Everyone wants to have their fun, I just wasn't programmed this way. I'm solitary, You all are scary, I have no faith in myself. I lack the confidence to breathe, I'm shaking, feels like my lungs are breaking, I want to scream, to fall, To break down and cry. I really can't see the reason why I ever came here or existed. There's no love lost on me, A broke, broken half shell Who lost purpose and lacks a plan. I can't reach out, How do I---- "Hey Jojo, come with us!" "...ok"

Thoughts in a Beat

It's not enough to say
"I hurt myself today."
Sympathy dries faster than rain.
And through all this pain
When you tell a friend
No one can be found in the end.

I no longer want to.
I'm being ripped in two,
And my lies are making me numb.
You see, it's kind of dumb,
All this hiding away,
Makes me alone at the end of the day.

Oh god, I hate this.
Please stop this.

I swear I'd end this if I could.

I never thought I would
Get so beaten down
The only wrinkles on my face are from frowns.

I don't want to lie anymore.
How do I express from my core?
I can't trust you with my life
And no one wants to hear all my strife.
I'm alone and dripping with blood,
I'm still in a darkened mood,
And I'm crying on the inside,
No tears fall on the outside,
I'm ripped apart and feeling so blue.
I swear I'm needing something that's new.
The usual medicines aren't enough,
For a life that is so damn rough.
My feet ache so much walking,
I wince from all the gawking,
I just want to be okay with being me.
But the reason for me I can't see.

To hell with it all....

To hell with me.

Writhe So Still

Covered in bruises,
Time fades away,
There is only this ripping feeling,
But the memories won't fray.
When did I get here?
To this broken time,
Where all stands still,
Each mote spotlights the crime.
Every mark left behind,
I hope you're crushed even further,
That fear you feel on your heels,
Will never stop chasing your mind.
Who are you to mar me?
What destiny said you could,
Come in unannounced,
Wrecking what I've built?
Watch as I stand tall now,
Listen as I grow stronger,
I'm drawing out your poison,
Creating an antidote for this fever.
Choosing a path I didn't know,
Rather than such typical darkness,
I can see how weak and frail I've become,
Yet there's never been more beauty in this.
You can't touch me now,
If you return I'll tear you apart,
I've never held myself in such high regard,
My most precious possession is now my heart.
Maybe I should thank all my pain,
But no, no thanks to you,
I really should thank myself.
I'm building my soul something new.
I've crumbled from the pain,
For too long I've kept it all unheeded,
Locked away and crushed out,
Sometimes falling is all I needed.
Swear to myself this won't be the last,
I know I can't hide from it anymore,
How do I blast open this labyrinth of walls,
Built out of pulsing viscera and hot gore?
But, please someone stop listening,
For I don't want to lie anymore,
Just look past my words and see me,
I ache inside beyond this solid door.
I can't always say what's on my mind,
And when asked I don't make sense,
I want most of all to be understood,
But understanding is no recompense.
Bleeding still, right beneath the skin,
Pain shuttered behind my eyes,
Sounds extreme, I know,
Even so, it's not enough to emphasize,
Everything done to me was more,
More than enough to break through,
Such violated pride, undone from the core.
So I can't shut it out, not anymore,
Though that's all I've ever known,
Looks like I need patience to learn,
The things I've never been shown.
Then what could I possibly say?
To you who crushed me and ran away?
I guess I hope to never see you again.
But if I do, I'll make you pay.
Beyond this confusion and overwhelm,
I see a light, a promise of a time,
When I will break through and fly,
I'll be clean from your leftover grime.
Indeed, you've left a mark,
One that I'll never forget,
Yet I hope this path has a hidden door,
Through which I'll find no regret.

Writhe so still.

This Is A Drunk Ramble

I fucking love my life. Can I just say that? I don't care what happens, how bad it gets, how hopeless it seems, how much I sometimes I just want to end it all: I LOVE LIFE. I have such interesting, caring, crazy people in my life. A best friend who insists they hate me, people who insist they love me but I just can't seem to feel the same way, lovely girls who feel like no one can love or be attracted to them even though they are FUCKING AMAZING, and delicious food. Seriously, life is hard, and sometimes I am so bloody hopeless that I just can't see the light. I feel so miserable and weak sitting alone and just wanting everything to disappear. But even in those times there is such a broken beauty to it all... a raw, true authenticity that trickles down into the deepest parts of my soul and says "This is for you " just so that I can have such a interesting life and the opportunity to share with others and improve the quality of their life.
I don't know how things will go from now. What do you do when your feelings are tangled, you gave up all hope, and everything is so complicated and never-ending? Who knows! But I do know that... every day I look back at something that happened last week, and no matter how bad it is I can somehow smile about it - because I'm still here today. Some of you - most of you - don't know what I've been through in my life, just as I don't know all you've been through, but I can still look at your lives and feel a loving appreciation - because I know you've been through so much of value that has created the uniquely beautiful creatures you are, and it's the same for me.
I'm an incredible person, and this is not coming from the cocky, arrogant side of me that comes out to play so often: I am genuinely incredible - I can take on the hardest things in life and still support the lives of the people around me. I feel so lucky to be able to play that role. There's nothing like being at your breaking point and completely hopeless and having a friend say "I need your help" and being able to provide that assistance. Gives me a bit of light, and lets me know that I still have a bit more in me - which is really just a gift from the universe. I may not be the best friend out there - I have a lot of issues, and I tend to be so inconsistent that I'm not there to "hang out" all the time except with one person. But if you need me, I'll be there. I'll be there like no other, because I know that if I had had someone there for me in my darkest times my life would be so different - and if I can give someone else that, then it is somewhat an emotionally healing recompense for what I didn't have before. And yes, it's largely my own fault for being so closed off... but I don't really know any other way to be, and that's okay - all I can do is just do my best, and I know that's all that you do, too. So I love you just the way you are, even if you're broken, or a jerk, or hurt me - or hurt yourself, because you're just coping with life the best you know how. And that's beautiful. All I hope to do is be able to help others when they're feeling down and maybe bring some beauty to their lives.
It might sound cliche, but I'm a dark enough person that I hope that by bringing light to others they will shine their light on me, and maybe someday I can then see enough of my own worth to heal myself. And I'm getting there - every day I am becoming more of the person I want to be, because I know that I deserve it.

Summer Treasures

I'm a girl who loves flowers. And by "loves flowers" I don't mean "Yeah, flowers are pretty" I mean flowers make me happier than just about anything and I'm pretty much obsessed with them (and other plants, and nature in general) to the point that my entire left arm sleeve is flowers, leaves, moths and butterflies.

So let me tell you, living at a house which is covered in ivy, surrounded by climbing plants and spread with a generous smattering of flowers - including roses!! - makes me just about the happiest girl ever. ♥ I was so ecstatic for the roses to bloom this week and just made myself a lovely bouquet - but I could REALLY see why roses are called the "flowers of love" - my fingers are so pricked and stingy sore now!

I'm looking forward to the rose hips later this fall... :) Maybe I'll make some rose hip jelly if there are enough of them. ♥

 There is something so lively, so refreshing, so peaceful about flowers and climbing vines. A sort of timeless lightheartedness that heals wounds that no other salve can touch.  They are so beautiful and graceful, and yet have no sense of mercy, living how they will without consideration for anything other than their own well-being. They repair themselves so well when injured by an outside force, continuing to grow and develop character, just being without the need to impress - and yet being so very impressive, effortlessly.  Even the smallest flower when thoughtfully viewed is a delight to look at and brings sunshine to my heart. 

Less and More - A Poem

"Fear is the only way to live. Fear and death and rot and hell."
The silver bird laments and sways
Upon a darkened branch of the twisted shell
Of once a grand tree, now faded grey
Much like the life of the one who lives
Deep within the caves below
Your heart which rotten feeling gives
The only majesty to which you bow.

Hang, hang your soul
And release the gruesome filth
Which clings to you still.
Freedom brings such transparent wealth
But we would never know
Never feel, never hold
Who knows how to change now?
It's too late to break the mold.

"I can't find the light"
The broken wolf howls to the moonless sky
Lost within the compassionless night
One can only wander and pass life by.
Ripples across a shadowed lake
Wishing stillness yet doomed to quiver
With every slight motion and dropping quake
Guilt-laden and thick with frosty shivers
A death from which it can never wake.

"Don't hold me, but don't hold me back."
The fire burns inside to burst apart
Every seam and curling through cracks
The smoke hides the sullen, smothered heart.
The burning bright and gripping dark
Never knew how to ignite
What ever created the original spark?
Now it never stops burning out of twisted spite.

"I never wanted to hurt anyone, no, never."
The cactus sits with saddened eyes
But hurting is all the cactus does, so sever,
Sever the limbs which keep me alive.
"I deserve the pain I would otherwise give"
An individual created which others resent
The essence of which can never fully live
Weight of your judgments, burdened, bent.

"What hell is this I've trapped myself in?"
All I hear is "You're free. Come join us beyond your cage."
But the voices are a distant, mechanical din,
If you care then why do you stand on a stage?
You are too far away to reach me now
Too caught up to watch me drift away
You may want to save me but wonder how,
The answer is, you'll never find a way.

Flailing inside, can't reach beyond the shell
Until crumbling I fall, spill over my small world, and see,
Icy whispers freeze over my hell,
Numb once again, just as well, like it should be.
Broken glass, broken glass,
This pattern remains and who is to say
"You'll be fine at the last"
But through it all, not a one of you will stay.

"How do I keep falling?"
Tumbled and jumbled and crushed,
Bloody tears, cut and broken, not hoping,
Too tired, lips stilled and hushed.
Head crushed against itself,
Heart spiralled in till it knots
Soul so far gone, set upon a lofty shelf,
I only feel whole when taking shots.

With time will the clarity deepen?
Or do the cryptic flourishes shake the mind?
Stars fear being mistaken
So far distant, their truth you'll rarely find.
Weary now, you've traveled to the end,
"Come now, see there is more here"
Don't say it, some things will never mend
The tears are no longer sincere.