Accidentally Discovering Utopia?

I often find that I come to my greatest personal breakthroughs entirely by accident - usually while I am writing to someone. The words spill out and I find that THERE is my answer. As always, the answers to all of our questions are inside of us, but finding them may be somewhat tricky. While I was writing an email to my therapist (yes, I have a therapist, and this is her preferred way of getting me to "open up" because in writing I have much more emotion than in speaking) I finished with a paragraph that was my breakthrough. I am not going to quote it directly, I am taking out and adding a bit more in, but I do want to put the message of it into the universe, and on my blog. Here it is: In my perfect world, maybe I would have a faux-hawk. I would work out at the gym every day, regardless of whether or not I lose my curves (guys ALWAYS protest strongly whenever I say I'm going to go to the gym), I would work out because I LOVE how it makes me FEEL. I wouldn't eat meat because my body doesn't like trying to digest it, nor would have have meat in my house because I'm not bothering to eat it. I would live alone and have friends over several times a week, and would go out to spend time with them, we'd laugh and have fun, but at the end of the day I would be alone in my sanctuary of peace and comfort and positive energy. I wouldn't date, I don't even enjoy it, and sex doesn't ever provide for me what I can provide myself so I really have not found that situation where it proves to me that dating is worth it. I don't even WANT children someday, and I cannot picture myself partnered to someone forever. I would have a car, and could go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and could just drive around at night. I would do my art, and tattooing, and my house would look the way I want, without anyone else's input. I would learn what I want, when I want it, and I would teach, too. I would do energy work and healing, my home would be a safe, sanctuary where friends and acquaintances felt safe and happy and at peace. My home would always be clean and I would have a place for everything and everything in its place - if it doesn't have a place, I would get rid of it, and not care about anyone else's opinion. Someday I will build my own home, and I will have a library in it with a section just for antique bibles - and I won't care about people's judgments just because the bible is a religious text - antique bibles are a passion of mine, and I don't know why, but I want to honor that side of myself. In fact, I want to honor all of my passions, no matter how nonsensical or strange or out of place they may be. I think what REALLY changed things for me this week was a quote in an article I read at school that was talking about Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech and why it was so impactful. Two of the things I jotted down from that article were: "Completely align your actions with firm commitment," and "self-belief from a beyond-personal source." According to the article, these were two traits King possessed. And they are two traits I have been grasping at for myself, yet still missing, and I finally could see, by those words, that if I were to possess those two traits unwaveringly, I would have the life I want, and could live in authenticity. And now that is my goal. That is MY dream. And I WILL have it. With lots of well-wishes, Jojo

Falling Out of Pieces... and Right Into Love

So much has changed.... so very, very much... I honestly didn't have any idea my life would take the twist that it has. I'm a bit unsure...my feet feel unsteady and my knees shake. It took two weeks of searching to find the source of my current overwhelm, a feeling of being hopelessly trapped, like my endeavors are being halted by necessity and yet I want to push forward. And yet, I still feel a happiness I have not felt in years. A happiness that drives me to action, and to gain some hope in my future. A happiness that feels like a fearful rush, like the moment at the top of a roller coaster before you zip down, losing your breath. Long ago, I lived in a very dark mentality, driven by injustice, pain and a profound feeling of aloneness, I found solace and healing of many parts of myself when I fell in love with a person who I felt was my soulmate. We healed each other, really, and gave each other hope. But it was not enough. We were young, emotionally stunted, tortured by our own inner "realities" and perceptions. Despite the love, deep understanding, and soul-connection we felt, our relationship ended and - although we never really moved on from each other - we lived our lives as if we had. Eight years later I have had yet to meet another human being who I felt that deep, intense, perfect connection to. A connection that speaks to the energy of every cell in my body, each corner of my soul, and says "I love you. I am yours. You are mine. We belong together." A connection of healing, growth, personal advancement; of growing together and lifting each other - a feeling of nourishment and joy. Until now. When I first met him, several months ago, his face was painted green, he wore all black, and it was while taking a break from scaring people - I was exhausted, and as is my tendency, I would have ignored him completely. But, luckily for me, this friendly man sat close to me and started talking. I thought it was probably good for me to socialize, but I really wasn't sure how, and kind of felt it was pointless. I was rather aloof, though tried to be cordial. Break ended and we went our separate ways. I had a back injury at the time so I didn't get to spend many nights scaring people, but whenever I did, I would see him at the end of the night and he would speak to me. I was so intensely exhausted and in pain that, unfortunately, I honestly cannot recall any of our conversations - but I remember one night looking at his smile and thinking it was one of the best, merriest smiles I had ever seen. When I went to a huge cast party after the season in a large building I was utterly overwhelmed. Frankly I had only braved that many people in the hopes of spending time with one person, and that person was no where to be found. I was depressed, drifting entirely alone in a sea of boisterous people who didn't know or care of my existence, and I had no knowledge of how to reach out and join them. I was drowning, literally unable to breathe at times. When that person I had been wanting to see arrived, I was ecstatic, and even better, they dropped what they were doing and came over to give me a huge hug. That meant SO much. But of course, I couldn't monopolize them, especially because they are popular, and so pretty soon I was once more left to swirl in the sea of people. And then, HE walked in the room. Seeing him without makeup for the first time, I still instantly recognized him and was drawn to him. He was a friendly, safe rock in the scary environment I was so lost in. I immediately went straight to him and he greeted me warmly. He is well-liked, so many other people talked to him that evening, but he checked in with me often, talked to me, and invited me to the party he was going to afterward. Honestly, I usually would have turned him down, but some part of me was urging me to agree and go - so I did. The party was a very interesting experience in my life, I had a ridiculous amount of fun, which was amazing. I rarely have fun with groups of people or at parties, so I was very happy to have had fun. I had an internal tug-of-war though, because the person I had gone to the first party to see was at this one as well, and I didn't know who I wanted to spend more time with! I was, perhaps, unconsciously cruel to them both as I switched from one, then the other, and tried to pull those two worlds together so I could spend time with both simultaneously. Eventually though, fate intervened, and I found myself standing alone outside with HIM - and that's when the scale tipped with a bit more weight - and I thought "Maybe... I actually like this guy." Soon after he walked ALL the way to my house in the middle of the night, and although it was a rough evening with some....unhappy moments... he walked me to work the next morning and strongly expressed that he wanted a chance, that he would wait and still be there, that he didn't want me to drift away. I didn't know what to think - frankly, in my mental state at the time, I was completely unable to comprehend his feelings for me. Upon my arrival at work, we said our goodbyes, and I proceeded to spend the day fretting (as I so often do) over the issue. Soon it was time for his birthday party, and I attended, of course. At this point I had a hunger, a need to know what it was he saw in me and why I was drawn to him. The party was kind of crazy... and another girl took claim over him and I backed off, feeling irritated, sad and rejected. I felt like his feelings were that of attraction but nothing else, that he likely interacted with several other girls like he did with me, and that perhaps he was ingenuine. I was very confused that night (not to mention drunk) and so I emotionally distanced myself from him and decided "to hell with it, she can have him" and began focusing on other people. While that was fun.... I really wasn't happy. I would glance at him across the room and be disappointed and angry with myself. Later that night when only a few people were left and we had changed locations, I was miserable. The new location was loud, full of negativity, stifling, so I went outside. I was hardened in my shell, wanting nothing to do with the man I liked who was sitting next to and holding hands with the girl who had claimed him. I refused his company, preferring to stand in the frigid night air alone, and felt my usual hopeless hatred toward my fate creep in with the cold. I welcomed it, welcomed the icy air, feeling one with it and unaffected by it. Despite wearing a short skirt, a thin hoodie, and it being 16 degree weather, I was entirely numb. For two hours I stood there, tortured by my existence, hating the unfairness of it all. I could not go back in, I couldn't face the energies in that place, couldn't handle the negativity and noise, I had reached my hard limit and had nothing I could do but stand outside. HE was incredibly worried for me. He wouldn't allow me to walk far and insisted I returned to the house to check in every few minutes and be where he could see me. I was angry, feeling chained and caged, yet I didn't want my weakness to cause him to have to stand out in the cold, which affects him strongly, so I conceded. After a while I agreed to talk to him - I could see how frustrated he was that I was shutting him out, and I didn't want him to feel like it was his fault - I explained some of my social anxiety, told him I was enjoying the outside; we talked a bit.... he requested an answer. I, being the suspicious type, insisted he explain the question before I provided one. He asked me to be his, for him to be mine, for us to spend our free time together, for a relationship. I informed him I don't do relationships...but his response was that he would wait as long as it took for a "yes" or "no" answer from me. I had no idea why he felt that strongly toward me, particularly in that moment while I was swallowed up in self-hatred and cold, but I was cautiously flattered. From then on, he spent what time he could with me, and at first I tentatively obliged, then expected, then looked forward to the time we spent together. Just as surely as my self-hatred and anger had crept into me with the cold that night, feelings of belonging and confused happiness were seeping into me every time we spent together. Really, I couldn't help myself, and despite part of me dragging my feet and trying to escape into denial and coldness, before I realized it, I was trapped. Once, sitting upon my couch with my legs over his lap, he hugged my knees and rested his chin upon them with his eyes closed and what was to me an unfamiliar look of contentment; looking at him in that moment I had the crushing realization that I might, possibly, be helplessly, utterly in love with him. Warmth, caring and endearment flooded me in that instant, and yet, my stubborn nature protested in the back of my mind, "I don't like it!" "this isn't the plan!" "I hate this!" generalized resistance that really meant nothing and was an illusion of protection. Through the following days I tortured myself with resistance to my feelings and had a stranglehold on denial to keep me "safe." My friends would just smile knowingly and laugh as I complained about him "not being part of the plan" and would remind me gently that life doesn't follow my plan. We went to the Power of Choice seminar together, and I feel like that is when I began accepting those feelings and opening up to the possibility that those feelings were my reality. He was so warm and friendly to others, so incredibly kind and considerate to me, and I received such positive feedback from so many people about him. We had a closeness with each other that was palpable, and not only was it openly assumed we were in a relationship, but some people even assumed we were married! At the end of that weekend, I knew I had found someone special, someone who maybe, MAYBE, would actually treat me well and who would love me with tenderness, kindness, and commitment. Speaking with some of my dearest, most trusted friends at the seminar, they expressed their approval of him, that he really was special, and agreed that he was the kindest person I had dated up to that point. I was still in resistance... but my walls were slowly coming down and my barriers were melting as he patiently, kindly cared. Soon after, I fearfully but bravely, said "YES" and agreed to be his girlfriend. Honestly, I instantly wanted to run away and change my mind. But that impulse weakened, and I was happy. That's what I realized - when I was with this man, I was happy. Actually happy. The next few days were perfect. Then fate stepped in. Perhaps, out of kindness, the Universe knew that I had doubts and insecurities that needed to be irradicated in order for me to truly trust - both in him and in my own feelings - and so unleashed a chain of events which utterly crushed me. Or so it seemed. After spending the initial few days of our relationship together, he left and then a day or so later I was invited by a friend of his to a party he was attending. It was a small party, and it was nice to spend the time with him, but I wasn't feeling well. By the next morning it became clear to both of us that I was very sick, and he insisted that I stay and recover. I knew I wouldn't recover so easily and that I needed to be home where I had supplies and a good bed in order to feel better, so I insisted on leaving. I wanted him to go with me - I felt alone, frightened, and was genuinely concerned that I might not make it home by myself. It was cold and he wanted to spend time with his mother and chose not to go home with me. I felt hurt, betrayed, unimportant, abandoned; even while insisting I was fine, that I didn't need anyone, that he should do what he wants, on the inside I felt myself slip into a pattern I know all too well, and I hated myself for it yet blamed him at the same time. It wasn't truly that I was blaming him, but rather, that I was blaming the universe and hating myself for being unable to speak the feelings I held inside. I went home and spent the next week being very, very ill. I didn't see him that week. For the first time in my life I wanted someone there when I was sick (typically I refuse company) and the person I wanted there was entirely unavailable. I felt cheated, like the universe was playing a sick joke on me (as I so often feel) and like I didn't matter. Halfway through the second week of not seeing him I began to accept my "reality" that I had convinced myself of the "foolish lie" that he cared and had, once again, gotten myself into an unfulfilling and pointless relationship. Clearly, I thought, I didn't matter and all those nice things had been a lie. In fact, I reasoned, my feelings for him were not genuine at all, but rather, I had been subconsciously using him as a temporary salve to my feelings of inadequacy and my belief that I am unlovable. Or so, these were the things I told myself at the time. A lot happened during those two weeks, and he was there for none of it, yet... in my stubborn resistance and emotional confusion I resisted any opportunity *I* had to go see him, feeling like it didn't matter if I was the one making it happen, refusing to fall into my same patterns of co-dependency and neglect. I still don't know where my cautious feelings were good and helping me and where they were hurting me, but I was doing the best my feverish, frazzled mind could at the time to protect myself. After days of not hearing a word from him, when I finally received a message on FB I responded by breaking up with him. I felt hurt, cheated, betrayed trust, and most of all, I was angry with myself for putting my feelings on the line and allowing myself to be hurt. The next week was even worse, full of tortured sadness and loneliness. "This is it." I thought, "I refuse to build feelings anymore." and I shut myself away, feeling as if the universe had abandoned me to a sea of my own patterns. During my time with him I had come to the realization that I, maybe, genuinely loved him, with the same intensity and pureness and trueness that I had loved my first soulmate eight years before. I felt so utterly betrayed by the universe that it would, again, give me a glimpse of what that feels like and then yank it away from me so soon. And yet, despite my grief and hardened viewpoint, in the background, hiding behind my denial, I felt the slight hint of hope, that if I had felt that kind of love twice, then I could feel it again. But I wasn't ready for that yet. When he called me a week later, my breath caught in my throat - I hadn't expected to hear from him again. He said we needed to talk, and his voice sounded so sad...so hurt. I agreed, and we planned to meet that day to discuss things. Later on, he sent me a message saying we couldn't meet that day due to his spending time with a friend, and I found myself triggered again - "I'll never be good enough," "I will never be first choice," "I can't matter enough regardless of how hard I try," "I'm not worth it," and many other such thoughts and beliefs swirled in my head. I was so angry with my reality that I couldn't see straight. I was encapsulated and entirely ensnared by my feelings of inadequacy stemming back to childhood. But, we agreed to meet up the next morning to talk. At first, neither of us knew what to do or how to interact. We explained what had transpired, our feelings, our motivations. We came to an understanding of each others' feelings of hurt, betrayal, abandonment, inadequacy, and met each other in our pain. We set boundaries, reestablished a fragile faith, and agreed to try again. It was frightening - frankly, I was terrified down to my core that I was making a horrific mistake, and I was angry with myself for allowing myself to risk like that. But... Since then our trust has grown and matured, despite both of us still feeling like we stand on shaky ground at times. The love we feel for each other... it is unexplainable. All those "stupid" things people say when they are completely, utterly in love, things that I had no comprehension of because I was jaded and bitter, I find myself saying those things now. We both insist that we must love the other more, and while I can't speak for him, I know that I feel so frustrated knowing that mere words could never even begin to portray the meaningfulness of my feelings. I'm happy. Truly happy. More than that, the time I spend with him I spend feeling JOY. Actual joy. We laugh like lunatics, we make jokes no one else would understand, we meet on an energetic level that feels whole and nurturing and exciting. I feel that deep, intense, perfect connection with him - a connection that speaks to the energy of every cell in my body, each corner of my soul, and says "I love you. I am yours. You are mine. We belong together." A connection of healing, growth, personal advancement; of growing together and lifting each other. Sometimes my insecurities creep up. Sometimes my deep issues, fears and negative beliefs are triggered. I am a person who was deeply wounded by my past, and who, despite being dedicated to self-healing, still has a long way to go. He meets me where I am, even when I am ensnared and being strangled by whatever terrible memory or circumstance has triggered me, and he loves me through it kindly, patiently, tenderly. He insists I not apologize, despite my personal frustration and the guilt I feel for the issues my emotional wounds cause. I feel awful when some inconsequential thing he does causes me to suddenly break down and I find myself trapped in a swirling alternate reality of pain, self-hatred and doubt. He brings me back, calms me down, loves me through it. I appreciate each time I am triggered, I truly do, because it gives me the opportunity to work through my issues from that angle. I am grateful for the three weeks of torturous, madly triggered pain and aloneness, because now that I am on the other side, I can see a few truths crystal-clear. Truths I had feared before were mere illusions. I know, now, that I truly love him - and that my love does not stem from subconscious inadequacies or a need to heal old wounds. I can now trust him to support me and come back to me, without fearing abandonment or betrayal. I trust the universe more fully to care for my needs and give me the situations which assist me in healing and growth, even if they are disguised at the time as being curses. Even though I fear the future and worry a bit, I have an unshaking, unquestioning knowledge that his feelings for me are genuine, and like me, his feelings do not come from inadequacies or a need to salve wounds, but rather stem from enjoying me as the soul I am. I don't know where life is taking us. I have a lot of things in my life I want to change and improve. But I know that when I am with him, I feel joy, I feel like I am home, I feel the gently loving hand of the universe telling me that I am right where I belong and guiding me to even better things. I'm beginning to trust in a loving universe, to understand that painful circumstances are multifaceted and lead me to the freedom I am seeking. What is this note really about? Partially it is a confession, a journal entry describing the path I have been walking lately. Partially it is a way of reaffirming to myself that the pain had a purpose. Partially it is an explanation to those that care about me and worry for me. And mostly, it is a dedication to and declaration of the three relationships I value, cherish and love the most: My relationship to myself. My relationship to the Universe. And my relationship to the man I love more than I thought I was capable of, and who loves me just as much.... and maybe just a little bit more. But that's our secret. ;)

Happy First Nerdiversary - A Poem

A close friend of mine asked for some assistance in her first anniversary gift to her boyfriend. I volunteered myself and she explained she wanted a poem written with specific nerd references. I happily obliged, and now present to you a Happy First Nerdiversary poem: I want you to know you spin me through gold rings, You turn my monsters into cute, fluffy woodland things. You've pierced my heart like an arrow to the knee, We're a brilliant romance, just like Joker and Harley. I'll be your Patronus, protecting you in a pinch, And catch the smile on your face like a Golden Snitch. You're the Creeper outside my window peering in the dark, I'll light up your heart, you'll be my Tony Stark. When playing Sexbox you're the best Player 2, I'm glad the Force was with me so I could meet you. The sight of you makes me hold my breath in, Like my enrichment center is filled with a deadly neurotoxin. If I were a zombie your brains would be great, But I'd love even more the way your heart tastes. We make a great time like Ash and Pikachu, Even if when we fight it's like Red vs. Blue. As our lives blast through timey-wimey wibbly-wobbly stuff, Know that, to me, you'll always be enough. On our Anniversary into Mordor we won't fall, Because this year with you has been the One to rule them all.

Descriptive Short

((This was merely a momentum activity for myself to push myself into creativity and calm down some of my stress, so it is not excellent writing, but I decided to post it regardless)) Her crystaline blue eyes batted bashfully as his intense hazel gaze steadily studied her rosy features. A shy yet stubborn smile turned up just the outer corners of her bow-shaped lips, causing a tight lipped smile to mirror on the face of the man standing before her. His firmly gentle grasp on her waist tightened slightly as he pulled her closer. She tensed in preparation to shy away, her mischievously twinkling eyes taking on a suspicious tone. His smile warmed as he bowed his head toward her, lightly touching his lips to the tip of her nose with a delicate kiss. Helplessly, she descended into titilating giggles, leaning her face shyly to the side. He laughed at her unwittingly charming nature, gently cradling her soft, cool body to his with his hand behind her head, the slender fingers winding through her silken hair. His other hand slid around her back, drawing their torsos together. She shivered, glancing up at him with a mixed expression, and it was now his turn to hide his blush, resting his chin atop her head. ((This post is really quite too mushily, cheesily romantic for my tastes in reading. Why did I write it? Because I'm a silly, silly girl who just fell in love, of course. Quite ridiculous.))

Social Anxiety - November 2013

The only eyes that see me Are all my own, Hidden, furtive glances Meaninglessly silent. Reaching out, impossible. Standing still, I burn. Too much, too much. The sensations, frictions, Eating my skin, tearing my skull. My senses fragment, intensify, bleed I divide into pieces, I'm compressed too small. I can't hold tightly enough. I'm crashing on the waves, Lost in this sea of people, My safety rafts drift away. I'll see them, who sees me? They see me, who cares? Everyone wants to have their fun, I just wasn't programmed this way. I'm solitary, You all are scary, I have no faith in myself. I lack the confidence to breathe, I'm shaking, feels like my lungs are breaking, I want to scream, to fall, To break down and cry. I really can't see the reason why I ever came here or existed. There's no love lost on me, A broke, broken half shell Who lost purpose and lacks a plan. I can't reach out, How do I---- "Hey Jojo, come with us!" "...ok"

Thoughts in a Beat

It's not enough to say
"I hurt myself today."
Sympathy dries faster than rain.
And through all this pain
When you tell a friend
No one can be found in the end.

I no longer want to.
I'm being ripped in two,
And my lies are making me numb.
You see, it's kind of dumb,
All this hiding away,
Makes me alone at the end of the day.

Oh god, I hate this.
Please stop this.

I swear I'd end this if I could.

I never thought I would
Get so beaten down
The only wrinkles on my face are from frowns.

I don't want to lie anymore.
How do I express from my core?
I can't trust you with my life
And no one wants to hear all my strife.
I'm alone and dripping with blood,
I'm still in a darkened mood,
And I'm crying on the inside,
No tears fall on the outside,
I'm ripped apart and feeling so blue.
I swear I'm needing something that's new.
The usual medicines aren't enough,
For a life that is so damn rough.
My feet ache so much walking,
I wince from all the gawking,
I just want to be okay with being me.
But the reason for me I can't see.

To hell with it all....

To hell with me.

Writhe So Still

Covered in bruises,
Time fades away,
There is only this ripping feeling,
But the memories won't fray.
When did I get here?
To this broken time,
Where all stands still,
Each mote spotlights the crime.
Every mark left behind,
I hope you're crushed even further,
That fear you feel on your heels,
Will never stop chasing your mind.
Who are you to mar me?
What destiny said you could,
Come in unannounced,
Wrecking what I've built?
Watch as I stand tall now,
Listen as I grow stronger,
I'm drawing out your poison,
Creating an antidote for this fever.
Choosing a path I didn't know,
Rather than such typical darkness,
I can see how weak and frail I've become,
Yet there's never been more beauty in this.
You can't touch me now,
If you return I'll tear you apart,
I've never held myself in such high regard,
My most precious possession is now my heart.
Maybe I should thank all my pain,
But no, no thanks to you,
I really should thank myself.
I'm building my soul something new.
I've crumbled from the pain,
For too long I've kept it all unheeded,
Locked away and crushed out,
Sometimes falling is all I needed.
Swear to myself this won't be the last,
I know I can't hide from it anymore,
How do I blast open this labyrinth of walls,
Built out of pulsing viscera and hot gore?
But, please someone stop listening,
For I don't want to lie anymore,
Just look past my words and see me,
I ache inside beyond this solid door.
I can't always say what's on my mind,
And when asked I don't make sense,
I want most of all to be understood,
But understanding is no recompense.
Bleeding still, right beneath the skin,
Pain shuttered behind my eyes,
Sounds extreme, I know,
Even so, it's not enough to emphasize,
Everything done to me was more,
More than enough to break through,
Such violated pride, undone from the core.
So I can't shut it out, not anymore,
Though that's all I've ever known,
Looks like I need patience to learn,
The things I've never been shown.
Then what could I possibly say?
To you who crushed me and ran away?
I guess I hope to never see you again.
But if I do, I'll make you pay.
Beyond this confusion and overwhelm,
I see a light, a promise of a time,
When I will break through and fly,
I'll be clean from your leftover grime.
Indeed, you've left a mark,
One that I'll never forget,
Yet I hope this path has a hidden door,
Through which I'll find no regret.

Writhe so still.