One of Life's Saddest Beauties

I have held too many lives in my hands. The weight of each makes me quiver deep into my soul. Being the person whom someone trusts most, trusts implicitly, trusts more than they have anyone else, it is a beautiful, terrible, terrifying gift - a double-edged sword sharper than razors. How can one person be entrusted with another's legacy of emotions, insanity, memories, and their decisions toward life or death? As I sit in nature feeling the cold wind wrap my body tightly and throw my hair about, icy tears hesitantly glide down my cheeks...and I, once more, try to convince someone I love and cherish to allow their heart to continue beating; to lean on me so I can give them refuge. I plead openly, without pretense, for my beloved friend to trust my words - even as impossible and harrowingly hopeless it feels - and hold on. Hold on to me. Don't leave me.... I wish I could say, "please...please don't leave me...not after I've let you into my damaged heart. Don't leave me here alone, without your light, without getting to learn and experience all the gorgeous chaos that you are. Please... Don't leave me to face my depression alone." But I can't. The words I speak are still truth, but not selfish; being entrusted with someone's life is not the time to be selfish....and I feel guilt, for sharing those same inclinations, that same hopelessness, the same insanity that feels impossible to overcome. More than once, I have been cutting at my own flesh with a sharp edge while telling a friend that life is worth it; that it will be alright someday...that healing is possible. I'm not there yet...but I know, I KNOW, it is true. I hate life just as much as anyone else who is seriously suicidal, but.... Life can be a beautiful tragedy...without escaping it through death. Ultimately, my intense feelings, no matter how long-lasting and insane they feel, cannot end my life on their own - only I, or an outside source, can do that. So... I hope...one day... I can look into the faces of each life I hold...and feel warm tears of gratitude upon my cheeks, instead of the heavy weight of cold, terrified tears... I'm so afraid...that one person's hands - no matter how capable - are not enough to hold a life together.