It's not enough to say
"I hurt myself today."
Sympathy dries faster than rain.
And through all this pain
When you tell a friend
No one can be found in the end.
I no longer want to.
I'm being ripped in two,
And my lies are making me numb.
You see, it's kind of dumb,
All this hiding away,
Makes me alone at the end of the day.
Oh god, I hate this.
Please stop this.
I swear I'd end this if I could.
I never thought I would
Get so beaten down
The only wrinkles on my face are from frowns.
I don't want to lie anymore.
How do I express from my core?
I can't trust you with my life
And no one wants to hear all my strife.
I'm alone and dripping with blood,
I'm still in a darkened mood,
And I'm crying on the inside,
No tears fall on the outside,
I'm ripped apart and feeling so blue.
I swear I'm needing something that's new.
The usual medicines aren't enough,
For a life that is so damn rough.
My feet ache so much walking,
I wince from all the gawking,
I just want to be okay with being me.
But the reason for me I can't see.
To hell with it all....
To hell with me.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Writhe So Still
Covered in bruises,
Time fades away,
There is only this ripping feeling,
But the memories won't fray.
When did I get here?
To this broken time,
Where all stands still,
Each mote spotlights the crime.
Every mark left behind,
I hope you're crushed even further,
That fear you feel on your heels,
Will never stop chasing your mind.
Who are you to mar me?
What destiny said you could,
Come in unannounced,
Wrecking what I've built?
Watch as I stand tall now,
Listen as I grow stronger,
I'm drawing out your poison,
Creating an antidote for this fever.
Choosing a path I didn't know,
Rather than such typical darkness,
I can see how weak and frail I've become,
Yet there's never been more beauty in this.
You can't touch me now,
If you return I'll tear you apart,
I've never held myself in such high regard,
My most precious possession is now my heart.
Maybe I should thank all my pain,
But no, no thanks to you,
I really should thank myself.
I'm building my soul something new.
I've crumbled from the pain,
For too long I've kept it all unheeded,
Locked away and crushed out,
Sometimes falling is all I needed.
Swear to myself this won't be the last,
I know I can't hide from it anymore,
How do I blast open this labyrinth of walls,
Built out of pulsing viscera and hot gore?
But, please someone stop listening,
For I don't want to lie anymore,
Just look past my words and see me,
I ache inside beyond this solid door.
I can't always say what's on my mind,
And when asked I don't make sense,
I want most of all to be understood,
But understanding is no recompense.
Bleeding still, right beneath the skin,
Pain shuttered behind my eyes,
Sounds extreme, I know,
Even so, it's not enough to emphasize,
Everything done to me was more,
More than enough to break through,
Such violated pride, undone from the core.
So I can't shut it out, not anymore,
Though that's all I've ever known,
Looks like I need patience to learn,
The things I've never been shown.
Then what could I possibly say?
To you who crushed me and ran away?
I guess I hope to never see you again.
But if I do, I'll make you pay.
Beyond this confusion and overwhelm,
I see a light, a promise of a time,
When I will break through and fly,
I'll be clean from your leftover grime.
Indeed, you've left a mark,
One that I'll never forget,
Yet I hope this path has a hidden door,
Through which I'll find no regret.
Writhe so still.
Time fades away,
There is only this ripping feeling,
But the memories won't fray.
When did I get here?
To this broken time,
Where all stands still,
Each mote spotlights the crime.
Every mark left behind,
I hope you're crushed even further,
That fear you feel on your heels,
Will never stop chasing your mind.
Who are you to mar me?
What destiny said you could,
Come in unannounced,
Wrecking what I've built?
Watch as I stand tall now,
Listen as I grow stronger,
I'm drawing out your poison,
Creating an antidote for this fever.
Choosing a path I didn't know,
Rather than such typical darkness,
I can see how weak and frail I've become,
Yet there's never been more beauty in this.
You can't touch me now,
If you return I'll tear you apart,
I've never held myself in such high regard,
My most precious possession is now my heart.
Maybe I should thank all my pain,
But no, no thanks to you,
I really should thank myself.
I'm building my soul something new.
I've crumbled from the pain,
For too long I've kept it all unheeded,
Locked away and crushed out,
Sometimes falling is all I needed.
Swear to myself this won't be the last,
I know I can't hide from it anymore,
How do I blast open this labyrinth of walls,
Built out of pulsing viscera and hot gore?
But, please someone stop listening,
For I don't want to lie anymore,
Just look past my words and see me,
I ache inside beyond this solid door.
I can't always say what's on my mind,
And when asked I don't make sense,
I want most of all to be understood,
But understanding is no recompense.
Bleeding still, right beneath the skin,
Pain shuttered behind my eyes,
Sounds extreme, I know,
Even so, it's not enough to emphasize,
Everything done to me was more,
More than enough to break through,
Such violated pride, undone from the core.
So I can't shut it out, not anymore,
Though that's all I've ever known,
Looks like I need patience to learn,
The things I've never been shown.
Then what could I possibly say?
To you who crushed me and ran away?
I guess I hope to never see you again.
But if I do, I'll make you pay.
Beyond this confusion and overwhelm,
I see a light, a promise of a time,
When I will break through and fly,
I'll be clean from your leftover grime.
Indeed, you've left a mark,
One that I'll never forget,
Yet I hope this path has a hidden door,
Through which I'll find no regret.
Writhe so still.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
This Is A Drunk Ramble
I fucking love my life. Can I just say that? I don't care what happens, how bad it gets, how hopeless it seems, how much I sometimes I just want to end it all: I LOVE LIFE. I have such interesting, caring, crazy people in my life. A best friend who insists they hate me, people who insist they love me but I just can't seem to feel the same way, lovely girls who feel like no one can love or be attracted to them even though they are FUCKING AMAZING, and delicious food. Seriously, life is hard, and sometimes I am so bloody hopeless that I just can't see the light. I feel so miserable and weak sitting alone and just wanting everything to disappear. But even in those times there is such a broken beauty to it all... a raw, true authenticity that trickles down into the deepest parts of my soul and says "This is for you " just so that I can have such a interesting life and the opportunity to share with others and improve the quality of their life.
I don't know how things will go from now. What do you do when your feelings are tangled, you gave up all hope, and everything is so complicated and never-ending? Who knows! But I do know that... every day I look back at something that happened last week, and no matter how bad it is I can somehow smile about it - because I'm still here today. Some of you - most of you - don't know what I've been through in my life, just as I don't know all you've been through, but I can still look at your lives and feel a loving appreciation - because I know you've been through so much of value that has created the uniquely beautiful creatures you are, and it's the same for me.
I'm an incredible person, and this is not coming from the cocky, arrogant side of me that comes out to play so often: I am genuinely incredible - I can take on the hardest things in life and still support the lives of the people around me. I feel so lucky to be able to play that role. There's nothing like being at your breaking point and completely hopeless and having a friend say "I need your help" and being able to provide that assistance. Gives me a bit of light, and lets me know that I still have a bit more in me - which is really just a gift from the universe. I may not be the best friend out there - I have a lot of issues, and I tend to be so inconsistent that I'm not there to "hang out" all the time except with one person. But if you need me, I'll be there. I'll be there like no other, because I know that if I had had someone there for me in my darkest times my life would be so different - and if I can give someone else that, then it is somewhat an emotionally healing recompense for what I didn't have before. And yes, it's largely my own fault for being so closed off... but I don't really know any other way to be, and that's okay - all I can do is just do my best, and I know that's all that you do, too. So I love you just the way you are, even if you're broken, or a jerk, or hurt me - or hurt yourself, because you're just coping with life the best you know how. And that's beautiful. All I hope to do is be able to help others when they're feeling down and maybe bring some beauty to their lives.
It might sound cliche, but I'm a dark enough person that I hope that by bringing light to others they will shine their light on me, and maybe someday I can then see enough of my own worth to heal myself. And I'm getting there - every day I am becoming more of the person I want to be, because I know that I deserve it.
I don't know how things will go from now. What do you do when your feelings are tangled, you gave up all hope, and everything is so complicated and never-ending? Who knows! But I do know that... every day I look back at something that happened last week, and no matter how bad it is I can somehow smile about it - because I'm still here today. Some of you - most of you - don't know what I've been through in my life, just as I don't know all you've been through, but I can still look at your lives and feel a loving appreciation - because I know you've been through so much of value that has created the uniquely beautiful creatures you are, and it's the same for me.
I'm an incredible person, and this is not coming from the cocky, arrogant side of me that comes out to play so often: I am genuinely incredible - I can take on the hardest things in life and still support the lives of the people around me. I feel so lucky to be able to play that role. There's nothing like being at your breaking point and completely hopeless and having a friend say "I need your help" and being able to provide that assistance. Gives me a bit of light, and lets me know that I still have a bit more in me - which is really just a gift from the universe. I may not be the best friend out there - I have a lot of issues, and I tend to be so inconsistent that I'm not there to "hang out" all the time except with one person. But if you need me, I'll be there. I'll be there like no other, because I know that if I had had someone there for me in my darkest times my life would be so different - and if I can give someone else that, then it is somewhat an emotionally healing recompense for what I didn't have before. And yes, it's largely my own fault for being so closed off... but I don't really know any other way to be, and that's okay - all I can do is just do my best, and I know that's all that you do, too. So I love you just the way you are, even if you're broken, or a jerk, or hurt me - or hurt yourself, because you're just coping with life the best you know how. And that's beautiful. All I hope to do is be able to help others when they're feeling down and maybe bring some beauty to their lives.
It might sound cliche, but I'm a dark enough person that I hope that by bringing light to others they will shine their light on me, and maybe someday I can then see enough of my own worth to heal myself. And I'm getting there - every day I am becoming more of the person I want to be, because I know that I deserve it.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)