I fucking love my life. Can I just say that? I don't care what happens, how bad it gets, how hopeless it seems, how much I sometimes I just want to end it all: I LOVE LIFE. I have such interesting, caring, crazy people in my life. A best friend who insists they hate me, people who insist they love me but I just can't seem to feel the same way, lovely girls who feel like no one can love or be attracted to them even though they are FUCKING AMAZING, and delicious food. Seriously, life is hard, and sometimes I am so bloody hopeless that I just can't see the light. I feel so miserable and weak sitting alone and just wanting everything to disappear. But even in those times there is such a broken beauty to it all... a raw, true authenticity that trickles down into the deepest parts of my soul and says "This is for you " just so that I can have such a interesting life and the opportunity to share with others and improve the quality of their life.
I don't know how things will go from now. What do you do when your feelings are tangled, you gave up all hope, and everything is so complicated and never-ending? Who knows! But I do know that... every day I look back at something that happened last week, and no matter how bad it is I can somehow smile about it - because I'm still here today. Some of you - most of you - don't know what I've been through in my life, just as I don't know all you've been through, but I can still look at your lives and feel a loving appreciation - because I know you've been through so much of value that has created the uniquely beautiful creatures you are, and it's the same for me.
I'm an incredible person, and this is not coming from the cocky, arrogant side of me that comes out to play so often: I am genuinely incredible - I can take on the hardest things in life and still support the lives of the people around me. I feel so lucky to be able to play that role. There's nothing like being at your breaking point and completely hopeless and having a friend say "I need your help" and being able to provide that assistance. Gives me a bit of light, and lets me know that I still have a bit more in me - which is really just a gift from the universe. I may not be the best friend out there - I have a lot of issues, and I tend to be so inconsistent that I'm not there to "hang out" all the time except with one person. But if you need me, I'll be there. I'll be there like no other, because I know that if I had had someone there for me in my darkest times my life would be so different - and if I can give someone else that, then it is somewhat an emotionally healing recompense for what I didn't have before. And yes, it's largely my own fault for being so closed off... but I don't really know any other way to be, and that's okay - all I can do is just do my best, and I know that's all that you do, too. So I love you just the way you are, even if you're broken, or a jerk, or hurt me - or hurt yourself, because you're just coping with life the best you know how. And that's beautiful. All I hope to do is be able to help others when they're feeling down and maybe bring some beauty to their lives.
It might sound cliche, but I'm a dark enough person that I hope that by bringing light to others they will shine their light on me, and maybe someday I can then see enough of my own worth to heal myself. And I'm getting there - every day I am becoming more of the person I want to be, because I know that I deserve it.
No comments:
Post a Comment