A Lesson Learned in Vulnerability

For eight years, there is one problem, one issue, one question that has plagued me above all else. This question haunts me nearly every day. This question shapes much of how I view life and my interactions with others. It is not a question of spirituality, religion, society, or morality. The question is, "Why the fuck am I still in love with my first fiance, and why can't I find love like that again?" I have had many theories on it over the years. Perhaps we are soulmates. Maybe it's because he was my first "real" love. Maybe we were addicted to each other. Maybe we are just so complementary that we FIT, nearly perfectly. My latest theory, just this past week, was perhaps it was due to how our physical brains had only developed to a certain point as seventeen year olds, and so, due to the age and intensity from having that teenaged perspective, we felt like that love was one-of-a-kind. But then, his morning, I got it. As I laid awake all night with a fever, I thought about my most recent relationship. It lasted for five months, and it was the only person in eight years I have loved even close to the level that I loved my first fiance. However, my eighteen year old boyfriend and his anger issues caused me to become fed up and I broke up with him. Or at least, that's what I told myself. Then it hit me: He was committed for life the entire time, yet I thought I was "mature" enough to "know" our relationship would end with less than a year's worth of mileage. For the span of our relationship, from day one until the end, I believed that it would end. With this realization I reviewed it all: the happy times, dimmed by my belief it wouldn't be good enough to last. The sad and angry times validating my belief that he "wasn't the one" for me. Any mistake he made, any insecurities I felt, any time I did not feel validated, loved and accepted, I used that as proof that our relationship was drawing to an end. And truly, the problem with you is YOU. Yes, our relationship had many real, actual problems. YES, he has some big issues he needs to work through to be in a loving, long-term relationship. NO, this realization does not mean I am jumping right back into his arms. But... This realization is a beautiful gift. Because as I thought of all these things, I realized: Because of my belief that the relationship would end, I was never, ever, willing to really go there. I did not open my truest, deepest heart to my partner. I did not TRUST my partner. I was not even open to the slightest possibility of being genuinely vulnerable, fearlessly authentic, powerfully honest. Which now brings me to the truth of why I could never love anyone like my first fiance, and why I am still hooked up on him eight fucking years later: That fiance that I was so compatible with? I went there. I was open. Raw. Honest. Vulnerable. I was authentic, even with all my faults. I poured out my crazy into this accepting, loving vessel. I drenched our relationship with my fears and insecurities, and he loved me through every moment. I gave him the chance to love ALL of me - and he did. And, "somehow" he is able to understand my inner workings like no one else can. Somehow? No. I let him in, deeply, intrinsically, and gave ALL of my deepest trust to him. And I haven't done that before or since. My poor, good-intentioned boyfriends have only ever dipped a toe into the surface of my depths, despite wishing to dive in and love all of me. And I, frightened and distrustful mermaid that I am, would freeze over and refuse to let them in. I think it is time to take that frost away. It is time to be vulnerable, truly and deeply. And it is time to allow myself to trust that I can pour out my crazy. And. Still. Be. Loved.