Somehow You Never Knew

We spoke again today, I initiated. It was the same as always, Inconsequential. I have pain inside, too, Regardless, It doesn't matter much to you, Blinded. I couldn't cry then, can't you see? Can't you see? You said if I understood you, I would behave differently. If you understood, you'd know I can't be anything other than me. Why does this circle around, messily, ceaselessly? Loving you is a war, I won't give in peacefully. I hate this rotten, sinking feeling - the reward is empty. Pieces and connections, I'm tied to so many, And yet none of it matters when I'm tied so needlessly. You yell and accuse, you don't see it as abuse, And the little girl inside me hides while she is bruised. I put on the smile well-known by those who are used, And pretend to be okay again, hoping kindness is what you'll choose. The things I treasure about you I never wanted to lose, But how could I go on, when reasoning with you is no use? I wish I could fix this all, honestly I'm at a loss for clues, My only answer is to hide behind a mask of steel and make it fuse. I'm in a frightening mood, Recently, I feel rather unglued, Actually. I want to be at ease, Serene, But this voice won't cease, Magnetizing. Is it really not okay, when I'm afraid, to quietly hide? Yet, somehow, it was also not acceptable when I cried. Jumping through the hoops of your expectations, I've tried, But somehow when I come through the other side, you say I lied. How could you not even see the good things? I'm shocked inside. How could you think I didn't care about you? I feel so vilified. You see, even when relations burn, it's not so simplified. Ignoring the white and grey, seeing only black, like my actions were dyed. When you rip apart my character so carelessly, Frayed. How could I not become like Annie? Crystallized. Wrapped up in my shell, Again. I can avoid that kind of hell, Indefinitely.