Sexual Disconnect - My Personal Response to a Difficult Subject

I was reading a dear friend's post on Facebook about sexuality and how it affects women when men use terms like "hot" to describe them without showing appreciation for the woman she is inside. What really stood out to me was the idea of the man masturbating inside the woman - which happens all the time (there are women who do it to men, too). But I think it is one of the big reasons why I have a disconnect or occasionally an emotional meltdown during or right after intimacy with a partner. At some point I realize that the sex wasn't about us two joining, sharing and enjoying together, and it was about him stroking his ego, enjoying how "sexy" I am, and getting off - and that hurts! When a man isn't being open to receiving advice on how to please me and(/or) says things like, "I know what I'm doing!" or "This worked before." it is really invalidating to the current experience - which causes me to disconnect from it entirely. When a man says, "Are you done yet?" or assumes I am and just moves on to "his turn getting off" it is hurtful and feels like my experience doesn't have any value or importance to him. When, after he has gotten off, he doesn't want to do any more for my enjoyment - or even criticizes my hunger for more - it's devastating and I feel entirely invalidated. At these times, that sinking realization that he was just using me to get himself off, paired with the feeling of him being selfish and invalidating, is incredibly hurtful. What makes it worse is that he doesn't even realize he is doing this, so when I attempt to communicate these things with a partner who is also a Nice / Good Guy, he feels guilt, hurt, frustration - and generally believes I'm just a bit too emotional and much too hard to get off. It ends up creating a dynamic between us where it is assumed I will not get off, but the sex will still be great for him, and I will graciously appreciate as enjoyable as it is - followed by my inevitable stomachache, nausea, and occasional uncontrollable crying. ("Oh, no, I'm fine, I just have intense abdominal pain after sex if I didn't orgasm.") It really creates an unhealthy pattern in my relationships where I feel that my sexual satisfaction is unnecessary and even inconvenient - and prevents me from having a deeply trusting, emotionally committed experience with a partner who I grow closer to. Inevitably, I drift further and further away as I am continually invalidated, he finds himself resenting me but doesn't know why, in his frustration he begins yelling at me or criticizing me constantly - and I end up getting sick of feeling like I'm the "bad guy" and eventually break up with my partner. It is a terrible, painful, vicious cycle I have been in for years - and unfortunately - it doesn't seem to matter how communicative and maturely open I am about sexual satisfaction for both parties if my partner isn't there yet, too. Which is very unfortunate, because with a caring, communicative, listening partner - sex for intuitive and empathetic ladies like myself would be even MORE incredible - if I could only trust as well. What I always think, though, is that each person has to create their own experience. There is definitely some sort of emotional block (and subsequent issues) I have that makes it more difficult for me to be a sexually open (not just communicative, but truly OPEN) woman who orgasms freely and thoroughly enjoys shared sexual experiences.